Global Domination

GD's verdicts - Best of 2013: Pr0nogo

26/12/13  ||  Pr0nogo

1. Fleshgod Apocalypse: Labyrinth

When the Italian symphonic death metal horde released “Agony“ in 2011, I was more than satisfied – but “Labyrinth“ blew me the fuck away. Between the attention to detail in their cinematic soundscaping and their brutal disregard for the speed limit in their brilliantly-executed rampages, Fleshgod Apocalypse have claimed the title this year. “Labyrinth“ is about as close to perfection as I’ve heard in a long time.

Suck your own dick to the tune of Minotaur!

2: The Monolith Deathcult: Tetragrammaton

The decision to name Fleshgod’s latest as the best of the best wasn’t even close to being easy when avant-garde death metallers The Monolith Deathcult released their third full-length opus. Ranging from wonderfully-melodic to spine-crushingly violent, “Tetragrammaton“ is a brilliantly-executed death metal album with influences from all walks of life, and truly sets the stage for what the men from the Netherlands will accomplish in the future.

Become a Transformer while listening to Gods Among Insects.

3: Torture Division: The Worship

When an outfit describes themselves as the best death metal band in all of existence, tell them to listen to Torture Division. Hailing from Sweden and lead by K. Philipson himself, this supreme three-piece has yet to disappoint a single soul. Whether this is because their demos annihilate all who listen or not remains a mystery…

Find out who you ought to really be worshiping within the melody of I Wanna Beat Somebody.

4: Humanity Defiled: Circling the drain

Iwein Denayer, working under the moniker Humanity Defiled, released his solo project’s debut full-length “Circling the Drain“ earlier this year. Guess what? It rocks your dick up your ass and lights it on fire. My personal favourite is the lengthy, doomy track “Exit?”; whereas most tracks of its nature would put me to sleep, Denayer’s work somehow captivates the most vacant, empty, solitary feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. If that doesn’t deserve a spot here, I don’t know what does.

Light your bowels ablaze and dance with a transvestite with Humanity Defiled.

5: Arceye: At first light

With a strong thrash influence, British progressive death metal outfit Arceye have executed a stunning display of musical talent with their debut full-length, “At First Light“. The boys from Britain did everything in their power to demolish my eardrums with their blistering speeds and their pounding drums – enough to score them a spot on my best of list. That takes skill, gentlemen.

Fuck your mother and get back to your computer to witness Brother Disarmed.

CLOSE, BUT NOT CLOSE ENOUGH

Hell:On: Hunt

A supreme death metal record for sure, but not addictive enough to kick any of the other supreme records off the list. Still, don’t fuckin’ miss these Ukranians – they’ve got what it takes to make you bleed and jizz, all at the same time. Trust me – I know from experience.

Listen here.

Circle of Silence: The Rise of Resistance

Between the heavy metal vocals with an uncannily raw edge and the fast-paced riffing that’ll leave you breathless, German power metalheads Circle of Silence delivered an incredible listening experience with their fourth full-length. I wasn’t lying when I said it was one of the best releases of the year – it just wasn’t up to par with all the other ones above.

Listen here.

Forlorn Path: Man’s Last Portrait

I knew this record would make this list in one way or another. Forlorn Path is a black/death/doom metal outfit from good ol’ New Jersey, and they sure as shit know how to make good music. Their debut full-length is what got them to this extremely prestigious list that is simultaneously filled with penis jokes and threats of arson, so you know they mean business.

Listen here.

All Pigs Must Die: Nothing Violates This Nature

While treading more on the side of hardcore than metal, American thrashy metalcore outfit All Pigs Must Die made waves with their second full-length. The boys from Boston know how to give you the best headache in your life with this short but not-so-sweet release, and it also made for one hell of an introduction to the genre. Give it a listen, for sure.

Listen here.

Exhumed: Necrocracy

I’m a personal fan of Matt Harvey’s work, and Exhumed’s recent excursion into all things disgusting was better than it had any right to be. Rocketing towards their ultimate goal of a goretopia, the death metal grinders ought to be proud of what they’ve wrought.

Listen here.

Deicide: In the Minds of Evil

Glen Benton and co. are back, but despite their tumultuous musical history, Deicide’s eleventh full-length release is less than incredible. Still, it holds some of the finest moments of this year’s modern death metal, so be sure to check out some of the tracks on the album – it’ll make you happy, if nothing else.

Listen here.

BUT THEY TOLD ME IT’D BE GOOD…

Carcass: Surgical Steel

When an album has a lot of hype, you generally have two natural responses: believe the hype, or wait until you actually have the record in your hand. I did neither, largely ignoring all press regarding Carcass’ latest effort until I decided to take a listen to it on release day – and after all that, this is what you guys chose to put out into the world? WHY?

Listen here.

Pestilence: Obsideo

Utilising hyperbole is one thing – I do that quite a bit in my own reviews – but calling your latest album’s tracks “ten of the most demanding songs written in death metal” is a statement that needs to be backed up. With evidence. It only took about five seconds for my bullshit detector to go off.

Listen here.

Deeds of Flesh: Portals to Canaan

Once upon a time, Deeds of Flesh was a well-respected brutal death metal band from the USA. Fast forward the present day and they’re making music just as commonplace as a pigeon shitting on a single mother at a train station. While it’s not necessarily a bad record, Portals to Canaan would have been much better if I could have distinguished it from the rank and file. Unfortunately, I can’t.

Listen here.

Suffocation: Pinnacle of Bedlam

With music that’s just as tired as the title of the record, Suffocation have delivered one of the most stale albums in the genre, riding on little more than the power of their logo and the ‘old-school’ marketing pitch. Though the guitarwork has some high moments, the vast majority of this ‘prestigious’ record is little more than boring.

Listen here.

Kalmah: Seventh Swamphony

This is 2013. What the fuck are you idiots doing still making music?

Listen here.

WHY DID I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS?!

Azure Emote: The Gravity of Impermanence

Yes, I know, Gigan released a record this year. Guess what? Azure Emote outdid them in every way conceivable, making the most preposterously-pretentious progenitor of Pr0nogo’s platitude of permanent pigfuckers. Fuck you, Azure Emote, and fuck everyone like you. Fuck you too, Gigan, just for good measure.

Suck a cock inside an atomic bomb while your legs are split open by Satan’s personal strippers and your anus is spread wide by a flaming acidic sixteen-inch strap-on coated in goat semen before you listen here.